Okay I know I promised not to disappear but then I went and of course, true to my nature did it again! What can I say? My life is a puzzle that I have not mastered. There are too many pieces, too small and nothing seems to match up… I’m this huge personality that loves everything and everyone; I have these limitless thoughts and dreams and yet its hysterical how NOTHING and I do mean absolutely NOTHING ever goes according to my well thought out plan!
I’m not sure about the rest of you, but you know something I battle internally with the course of my life on a daily basis. I have these internal duels’ over whether my husband is a crack-head (figuratively speaking, of course) and if I should just have the common sense or maybe the gumption to finally get up, walk away and figure out my life on my own two feet. I battle over my wants and desires in contrast to what I “think” is best for my kids; because let’s face it, who the heck am I trying to fool? I have NO EARTHLY idea what is “best” for me let alone my kids; please, that thought alone borders on psychotic... I look at them and frankly I wonder if they will EVER manage to survive childhood under my régime; Good LORD!
On the other hand, I do OWN who and what I am; good, bad and indifferent. I don’t make excuses, not even to my kids. I have told them countless times; I’m not the expert. I’m the parent growing up alongside them trying to sort through and survive this complicated mess we call life and family… I may not always be right, but my intentions and heart are pure. I make HUGE mistakes and anyone who can’t admit that, has far more issues than I do. I love my family more than every breath I take; even on those days when I wonder how the HECK I will survive another second in this skin. Honestly, in the back of my mind on those days; I’m scared to death wondering just how screwed up they will turn out all at my hands…
At this very moment I just can’t manage past one moment at a time. I need to take baby steps right now please… Allow me to get through this week without having to banish my 13 year old to Military School; send my daughter into the perils of an eating disorder over the fact that I somehow allowed her to gain a whopping 29lbs. I might need to figure out how to convey to my 17 year old that I WILL love him no matter what and continue remind my 16 year old that no matter how far or biology I’m STILL HIS MOTHER! Lest I forget to teach my 7 year old that he is not the RULER of the family … and I wonder WHY I have Neurotic Mother Syndrome?
I’m not sure about the rest of you, but you know something I battle internally with the course of my life on a daily basis. I have these internal duels’ over whether my husband is a crack-head (figuratively speaking, of course) and if I should just have the common sense or maybe the gumption to finally get up, walk away and figure out my life on my own two feet. I battle over my wants and desires in contrast to what I “think” is best for my kids; because let’s face it, who the heck am I trying to fool? I have NO EARTHLY idea what is “best” for me let alone my kids; please, that thought alone borders on psychotic... I look at them and frankly I wonder if they will EVER manage to survive childhood under my régime; Good LORD!
On the other hand, I do OWN who and what I am; good, bad and indifferent. I don’t make excuses, not even to my kids. I have told them countless times; I’m not the expert. I’m the parent growing up alongside them trying to sort through and survive this complicated mess we call life and family… I may not always be right, but my intentions and heart are pure. I make HUGE mistakes and anyone who can’t admit that, has far more issues than I do. I love my family more than every breath I take; even on those days when I wonder how the HECK I will survive another second in this skin. Honestly, in the back of my mind on those days; I’m scared to death wondering just how screwed up they will turn out all at my hands…
At this very moment I just can’t manage past one moment at a time. I need to take baby steps right now please… Allow me to get through this week without having to banish my 13 year old to Military School; send my daughter into the perils of an eating disorder over the fact that I somehow allowed her to gain a whopping 29lbs. I might need to figure out how to convey to my 17 year old that I WILL love him no matter what and continue remind my 16 year old that no matter how far or biology I’m STILL HIS MOTHER! Lest I forget to teach my 7 year old that he is not the RULER of the family … and I wonder WHY I have Neurotic Mother Syndrome?
